Budget schmudget

I'm quickly realizing as my finances whirl above my head, out of control, that I have no idea how to design or maintain a personal budget. I've tracked expenses in a "spending diary" before and I plan to again this month. But somehow all this ever does is make me feel guilty for what I've spent. I spend hours and hours beating myself up over some much needed new undergarments (and yes, even the lingerie was a necessary expense, dammit!) but nothing ever changes. Or I save and pinch one month, and have a blow-out shopping trip the next. The worst part is that this behavior isn't restricted to my spending. I'm struck by how much these habits resemble the way I diet - guilt mixed with an ungodly amount of obsessing and fixation. When I can't spend or eat, these activities are all I can think about.

So how do I break the cycle? Do I just suck it up and keep myself to my budget and insist that I maintain it for a longer period of time? Maybe a month isn't long enough. Maybe I need to go two or three, or six. Who knows? Maybe I need a personal trainer both for my diet and budget. Someone to stand over my shoulder at the sale rack in J. Crew and slap my hand as I fondle the perfect pleated skirt with grosgrain ribbon that I just know will complete my wardrobe. And then this person could follow me as I stroll past the food court, turning my head away from the glory that is Ben & Jerry's as she whispers "Wouldn't a nice juicy carrot really hit the spot right now?" Mmm, I like this woman already.

Or would I just be better off letting myself go for a while? I've been overweight and I know I don't want to go back to it. Why not live a little, within the little reason I still possess and have a baby scoop of ice cream, or if I'm really being strong, just asking for a "taste" and walking away. (Yes I've done this and am probably blacklisted from every Ben & Jerry's in MA, VT, and NH, but it works every time!) Why not buy the new designer jeans I desperately need as the zipper on my perfectly broken-in pair has just died? Which, by the way, I cried over. You should know that. It was a sad, sad day. Maybe this whole budgeting thing is overrated. If I can't afford the personal trainer for every facet of my life, should I just stop worrying about it? I mean, I'll know I've spent too much when the bank starts leaving threatening messages on my voice mail, right? And it's not like I'd be the only 24-year-old who's spent time evading the bank.

Perhaps I'll think about this more over a nice, healthy smoothie that I'll sip as I peruse the new fall lines during my lunch break. And if you don't hear from me in the next few days, please come down to the jail and bring bail money (which I promise to use strictly for bail) ....and perhaps a scoop of Chubby Hubby.